When you go through something as significant as I have over the last three years, it has a tremendous impact on you. Without even realizing it, it seems my body starts reacting to situations before I start to process it. My subconscious starts preparing me for what is about to come – or what is possibly about to come.
Since I can’t drive, I am fortunate enough to be able to take paratransit to and from therapy. This is transportation for disabled people. The unfortunate part of it is that you could be on the van for a very long time before you reach your destination.
Monday was one of those days when I was on the van for almost 1.5 hours. After about an hour, my leg started hurting from sitting in that position with my brace on for so long. By the end of the night, I was getting a little worried, thinking maybe it was more than just sitting on the uncomfortable seat.
I went to PT & OT the next day where I told my therapists that we should take things slow just to be safe. We were careful with therapy but my hip started bothering me as the night progressed. By the end of the night, I made myself physically sick with worry.
I started thinking, “Is the hardware failing because I have been putting so much weight on it? Is my hip going to pop out again?!” It is such a terrible feeling to always worry about these things. When you experience so many setbacks and emergencies, I think it’s normal to worry. Right?! (By the next day, my leg and hip felt fine!)
Some people may not understand how I feel and I am okay with that. I feel as though some people think that I need to get a grip, but they haven’t walked in my shoes, nor have they experienced what I have endured.
Will I ever get to the place of not worrying? Will the fear disappear? I certainly hope so. After coming this far, I need to continue moving forward with peace in my heart. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
My hope is that as time goes on, I will be more comfortable when something silly as sitting wrong doesn’t seem like a big deal, and more comfortable in my own skin. I long for the days where I don’t have to scare myself by thinking something is wrong.
Useless worry, my friends … it stinks. Unnecessary sleepless nights … gotta stop!
If you have experienced something like this, please share your tips and tricks with me on how you overcame the worry and fear.
Until next time, go out and do a random act of kindness.